Oh the Mess…

When I share a part of myself with the world it is always with high hopes that in doing so, I will help someone else…other than me.
My stories are a part of who I have become. They are not however, laced with beauty and well planned with the joy I have found in editing away, deleting, rewriting.

Today I had to take our second youngest to the dentist. It was hell. Watching him squirm in pain and holding down his legs while I held the baby in my arms was excruciating.

My kindergartener was hit in the face by another little human on the playground which broke my little humans molar.

That coupled with his persistent desire to fight me when it comes to oral hygiene was a one two punch and the tooth had to go. And of course, after nursing him there’s always the sugar from his sustenance. (Never had I thought that something I did so naturally and something so natural could harm his little teeth. They don’t tell you that when you start to nurse…it’s all bells and congrats. Kudos to me. I’ve rotted his teeth!)

Anxiety is never an easy road, but… wowzer!!! Taking my son to the dentist had me panicked from the moment I woke until just a moment ago. I am a softie for my little boy and hearing his cries for me, my inability to stop the short term pain for his long term health was a kick in my ass. And one I rightfully needed apparently.

So, as my son lay there helpless, crying for me to save him, I did something I refrain from…I made a promise to him, to myself to get better. I am a good mom, but I’m not good to myself, and I have seen now that it reflects on my children in a way I hadn’t known before.

I have put a lot off to nurse the baby, which I’m so proud of on one hand. Nursing my children is the one thing only I can do. No one helps me. Through the pain and the very long days and nights it’s just me and my teeny human. Their good health and minds are a result of something I did. I find that miraculous and healing. The down side is that I let my own health go to do it.

So, after making my promise I have decided to make a list of things I will do to better myself, and as the roots of this grow deep, hopefully they will reach the roots of my children….

***

I will brush my teeth WITH my little humans. (Obviously my barking at them on ‘how to’ is worth about as much as a long lost tooth.)
I will sit with them each day and read, rather than when I find the time. Because bonding is key…for me, and them.
I will be intentional with my words, and use them to build myself up.
I will be more affectionate with my little humans…because more hugs and kisses are just that…
I must choose to sit and eat with my family rather than avoid my meal all together, so that we can be together.
I am going to see a doctor, as my level of exhaustion is exhausting, and I want to take a nap.
I will be more mindful of my body language. Nothing says kiss off like not facing someone while they try and have a conversation with me.
I will stop showering all my humans with sugary treats. They’re all sweet enough.

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