The List I don’t need…

So   a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y   there are ‘stages’ in the downward spiral that is postpartum depression. I am sad to say I am still stuck in the third stage.

Stages of Postpartum Depression are as follows:

1.) Denial (nope, not me!)

2.) Anger (kick rocks, you!)

3.) Bargaining (rock,paper,scissors…loser gets my brain)

4.) Depression (life is like a box a poop, as it all stinks)

5.) Acceptance (of what…a case of the crazies??)

(I know I can’t possibly be alone when I think to myself ‘seriously!’… Because I feel those things, all of them, like a broken revolving door that just won’t stop spinning. Or maybe like a dryer stuck spinning, as the linens get hotter and hotter – until they begin to melt, the alarm sounds and the Sears guy comes to take it far away, to the appliance graveyard.)

Trying to gamble my way off of this ferris wheel of gloom, doom and exhausting/sleepless nights I have come to the following conclusions-

*There’s no place like home/can I install an escape catch please?

*I need to spend quality time with my kids/is it acceptable to spend all our money on a babysitter for the foreseeable future?

*There is a desire to be held by my husband/but can’t it wait? I’m exhausted…

*I should try to focus on caring for myself/why is it a bad thing that I wore the same pajamas for three sleepless nights/days?

*For my families sake I need to get over this so I can care for them/can’t I just sit here and watch them fumble through it without me?

*Maybe tonight I’ll cook a nice sit down meal and we can all be together/one more night of frozen pizza while I just sit here like a piece of petrified wood won’t hurt them will it?

 

So yes, I’m bargaining with my daily to-do list and how to get out of this without getting help for this from reliable and trusting professionals. Here’s why –

Because I’m stuck at stage three, and all the while I’m filled with with anger that I can’t just get over this.

Because I’m so sad it feels like I’ve been drowning in my own tears and that makes me depressed.

Because I have hormone imbalances I’m a fricking burn pit filled with all but the acceptance – just smoldering away, waiting for SOMEONE ELSE to come along and either pour gasoline on me or douse me with water.

Because I really am struggling with this mental illness and my own husband doesn’t get it, won’t listen, can’t help, but probably would if he could just UNDERSTAND that I’m scared, and absolutely need him, and that I can’t do this alone. I’m not throwing a tantrum. I’m not four years old. I’m hurting. I can’t change it, can’t stop it….

 

I’m going to be okay right? Yes, in time. But in the mean time, I don’t feel like it just now. I want a get-out-of-this-prison-for-free card and a stamp on my forehead that says ‘cured’ so that when I look into my own badly broken mirror the reflection will look it even if I don’t feel it.

 

 

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28 thoughts on “The List I don’t need…

  1. Wish I could say I weren’t caught in my own revolving door. Oh, Bits! And I owe you emails, and my head is swimming and I’m so behind in EVERYTHING in my life. But we will make it to the other side of these dark days, and it will give us something to laughingly bitch about. Right?

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  2. I’m just now reading this one. Again, you and I can relate. Amazing how two strangers, “internet friends” I’ll call it, can have so much in common. Remember, I’m here to talk.

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  3. This sounds tough. I am listening to you, and I do understand how it is to be depressed. The many stages before seeking help are difficult ones. Perhaps you will overcome this unaided, but I at least hope your husband may come to understand. I don’t have the right words right now, but I hear you and empathize with you.

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    1. Sometimes the best things in life are just knowing someone is listening. And I think the hubby is struggling in his own right. Caught up in finding work, and the stress of being the only financial provider…and maybe I’m not conveying it right also. It’s a hard thing to talk about. Writing it is different because it can be edited. You can’t delete curse words out of frustration, or curling up in a ball and sobbing uncontrollably.😢

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      1. Maybe a like isn’t the right response to that, but I do so understand you. I have never been good at explaining my emotional experiences out loud to anyone. I just default to “depressed”, “struggling with anxiety”, or “had a nightmare/flashback/panic attack”. My loved ones do not empathize, but they hear the weight of the words and support me as best they can. I understand that finding different words than simplistic labels is tough.

        It does seem that you are a pair with much on your plate right now. I’m sure that you are doing your best. I hope it will get better soon. Meanwhile, take gentle care of yourself.

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        1. Thank you, and it’s okay to like anything I write/say. It lets me know someone reads it, understands it and maybe even understands me. I’m sorry for your struggles with depression and maybe PTSD? I get the PTSD part all too well. Which makes this all the more complicated.

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    1. Did or do you ever have half a day where you’re like ‘Finally! The sunshine!’ And then suddenly you’re a wrecking ball to your sanity? I feel like a yo-yo. It’s really frustrating.

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        1. Does it? As awful as this sounds…I’m so glad I’m not alone! I get myself motivated, chores and what not, then suddenly I’m all but beside myself with grief. It feels like someone has died but there’s no one to bury, no closure.

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              1. haha. okay! so I’m def not trying to sell you anything or anything like that, and you might think I’m crazy, but theres a supplement I take whenever I’m having depression/stress/anxiety or anything like that. Its called Confianza, its all natural, and it doesnt make the depression worse by making you sleepy or anything like that. Its awesome. I can give you my number if you would like, so its easier?

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    2. I’m sorry you’re still struggling too. I know it gets better and that time is the very best therapy. Or so we say. You gave my email if you too, ever need to vent, or let it out just a little💜

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  4. You are not alone. You will never be alone in this. This feeling haunts me everyday. I’m always here if you need to talk to someone. I may not be able to help, but sometimes I know just being able to vent to someone who understands, helps.

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