Mama/Me…

 

 

My heart beats, thankful to be here.
Thinking of ways to show these beautiful faces how much they are loved when the best of me feels far and away is a fete for the ages I tell you.
I wonder if that’s what this is, this motherly thing I do…ย If worrying about doing it right or wrong makes me a good mother or someone just muddling her way through this thing called life-with-kids.

Is it painful to admit I feel in over my head just now? Yes, but that’s okay by me because honesty is exactly what I’m hoping/going for. A child that is honest. A mom that is honest still. A family that is whole – honestly.ย I have recently found that loneliness really can make one crazy, and how crazy it is that often being alone is what I crave. Not because I want out of my job or life or love but because I NEED to find me outside of my mommy-ness. But what would I be without these kids, memories, years?

My/our special ‘Mothers Day’ is Sunday if you didn’t know. And I’m just happy to be here, every day, even on the crappy days that don’t end or the long nights that see the dawn. With almost every mommy deed lacking in poetic beauty there is still all the beautifully crafted moments woven in that I hold onto…

Baby bubble baths
Sickly midnight moments filled with hugs
Twice cut no crust sandwiches
Dark kitchens and moonlit kisses
Windy days spent flower picking
Shooting the ball between mopping and scrubbing
Burps, farts, boogers-at all meals…and timed to perfection

Sweetest-dream giggles
First teeth, first steps, first dates
Last kisses before the bus
One last goodnight

 

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To all the moms I hope you have some of these moments today and every day. The world just wouldn’t be the same without them – or us.

*Happy Mothers Day.*

 

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Mama/Me…

  1. When I found myself as a new full-time stepmother of three with no previous experience and with an ex-wife in law who could only have supervised visitation and who was determined to undermine me in every way, I wasn’t sure I would survive. I didn’t do the greatest job but I hung in there even when all I wanted to do was run. But to run was to lose it all, the good times, the love and to fail at my mission to give them security, someone they could depend on. It was so hard, Bits and I locked the bedroom door and cried often. Yet, I know that I was not alone, it is hard for all mothers. The attitudes, rebellion, sneakiness and then there’s hearing from one that she considered me her mother more so than her bio mother. Then there’s the other who said that she considered me her mother out of the two because I was always there for her. And sadly there’s the oldest that even though we now we get along well, says he never had a mother. I have stepped back and let their bio mother take over and I didn’t get one phone call on Mother’s Day for the first time. I knew I wouldn’t get the usual breakfast in bed, flowers, dinner out and cards now that we are out of state but I didn’t realize until I started reading mother’s day posts that I didn’t even get a phone call. Our youngest called my husband and when I told her Happy Mother’s Day, she said it back and then asked for our new address so she could send me my card. That was on Mother’s Day. But you know, I made the choice to step back and they are probably hurt. The youngest has been telling me that she has room in her life for both mothers. The thing is, I know that they need that relationship with their mother without my interference. I have told them that they needed to work things out with her in case something happens so they will have no regrets or unresolved feelings. So though it sounds like self pity, I want whats best for them and I was told from the beginning that I would never be their mother. I don’t know if I have done the right thing now but I know I did the right thing when I filled in for their mother when she was unable to be there for them.

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    1. Patricia, our oldest two children are from my husbands previous marriage and all grown up. I too did the best that I could with a bio-mom who thrived on stirring the pot. She was very vindictive even though she appeared out of nowhere one day and dropped off our girls, then 5,3 and didn’t return for over six months. She abused them in ways I will not put into words. Our oldest lived with us for years. Now there is no card, phone calls or anything. And I have had to learn that after they are done living a little and seeing life through their own eyes, choices, heartache, that they will come back. There is never a great answer for step parents when it comes to our relationship with them. It is only a relationship on their terms-and I have to think that after starting a family of their own and realizing every choice has a consequence they will come around.
      I’m sorry you’re hurting, and for what it’s worth I think you’re a fantastic woman AND mother! Happy Mothers Day-because you are still a mom.๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

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      1. Not hurting. Just my usual deep thinking. It always helps to know you aren’t alone. Would never have guessed. I have their love and now appreciation, what more can I ask?๐ŸŒธ

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  2. Very few of my mommy deeds are poetically beautiful. They are cleaning the toilets because I want to keep them healthy. They are scrubbing the tiles and disinfecting the floor because even after all my efforts, I was not able to protect them from everything. They are putting food on their plates which they refuse to eat, and cutting up pieces of my own meal because mom’s food while completely the same, somehow magically tastes better. But the deeds are mine because my boys are mine and that is all that matters.

    I’d say you are one lucky mom, but you are an awesome person too.

    Happy Mothers Day.

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    1. Honestly, I haven’t NOT shared my breakfast in about 18 years. I love sitting with the kids at the table…but once it’s bed time I hide out until they’re sleeping. If I leave our room they flock out like our kitchen is a 7-11.
      You’re so right Allie-those deeds are ours alone and we are so very very blessed to have them. Thank you!

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  3. A very special Happy Mother’s Day to you too Bits. I love this. I’m wishing you the best and brightest Mother’s Day ever- may it rejuvenate your spirit and lift your soul XOXOXOXO

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    1. Thank you! How sweet! I’m trying to come up with some new activities…apparently painting with mom isn’t as cool as I thought. Lol! I hope your Mothers Day is blessed with kids home for the weekend๐Ÿ’œyes? No?

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  4. Happy Mother’s/Mothers’/Mothers Day, Bits. May your children love you to…you know.

    I have to hope that “worrying about doing it right or wrong makes me a good mother” too. Mothers, I think, are Worrier Warriors. Too cheesy? Well, then, accept my bouquet of cheese for the MamaDay holiday.

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    1. Hahahaha! Cheese accepted. And I’m stealing the worrier warrior line for future posts. Mother’s Day is always a steady building stressor here with all the kids. There isn’t enough time in a day to do all be all see all. However, If I could I’d do it all damn day just to watch them all sleep at night!๐Ÿ’œ

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