Write? How?!?

When my anxiety is at peak performance I feel like I am being smothered with bubblewrap. If I move it will pop pop pop and my face will cringe, my fists will tighten, my heart will beat faster.
That’s how I feel now.
I woke up dandy! I feel great! I just don’t want to disturb the force!
I feel like ending everything I type with an exclamation point!!! Because I’m anxious!!!!!
See? Can you feel the stress of nothingness as you read that?
My anxiety has given me writers block.
It’s driving me crazy. The kind of crazy that comes along when you’re weeding a garden and find that never ending crab grass. No matter how much you yank, cut, pull…it’s there, mocking you!
I know this dose of jitters will end when I find the words for what I’m avoiding, or over compensating for.
What am I afraid of and distracted by? Everything or nothing. When I figure it out I am sure the drops of words will turn into the waterfalls of wisdom, words to live by.
For now, it’s just heavy. It’s hurting. It’s lonely.
I don’t feel it. But IT is there.
My inner human is acting like a child. I want to be out in the world, while my take charge brain screams to shelter in place. Beware. Stop. So much happens out there. In here is where safety is found.

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23 thoughts on “Write? How?!?

  1. I feel you so much on this, dear. My anxiety and depression has been holding me back, holding my writing back and it’s an awful feeling. I’m sorry you’re experiencing it as well. I hope peace finds you quickly, love and hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you’re going through it too. It is quite a thing (and I’m thankful I know it’s my anxiety and not a heart attack) to know the what but it’s the why that gets me! Even when I’ve been texting friends I feel it. I feel it now.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve no idea how I get beyond anxiety, but somehow I do. Which is my way of saying that I understand and sympathize with your situation, but don’t have one bit of advice about how to overcome it. Just know that you’re not alone. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think the description of being smothered by bubble wrap is spot on. Move and it will pop, which may be no real use as the wrap would potentially still be on your face (just with less shock protection). Stay still and you risk dying of asphyxiation. I guess your only option is to find a way to cut through it. Easier said than done. That stuff is tough.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh I know! Very frustrating. When I feel like that, I do something else, like work in the yard, a walk.. I guess I like to do something physical. Helps clear my mind. But I know with anxiety, it still might be there. I don’t like when I just can’t think clearly. Luckily, it passes 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. O.K. Let’s take a humor break. You may be trying too hard.

    My garage refrigerator went out and my dryer went out! I’m thinking you passed on the appliance curse.😜 The good news is that a guy at an appliance store was able to figure the problem out from the box of parts I brought for the dryer and the outlet in the garage was the refrigerator problem. We had no clean clothes and I wasn’t going to follow your lead and drape the clothes all over the yard.😳

    I went to have a bone scan done and I couldn’t figure out where I was supposed to be. Danny kept me at home past when I wanted to leave taking the parts off the dryer so I got there just on time if I had listened when I was told where in the hospital it was. I went to where I remembered being told it was and couldn’t find it. I was already stressed but thought to ask someone. I looked in the mammogram office but no one was at the front desk. I decided to call but the card or what I thought was the card wasn’t in my purse. I headed back to the car but stopped because I had the number in my phone. But my phone wasn’t in my purse though I remembered putting it there as I walked toward the building. I started to panic and call myself names and telling myself how stupid I was. I found the business card in the parking lot next to my car but it was the doctor’s card not the place where the test was to be done. My phone wasn’t in my purse or my car so not only couldn’t I call but Danny was going to be pissed.

    I went to the main entrance of the hospital and when I opened my mouth to ask where I was supposed to be, I started crying and telling the receptionist the whole story. Lol

    This is the second time I had done this. Two weeks ago I had a blood test and went through the same thing and the same woman took me over to the Cardiology check in desk and they asked someone to check me in. Through my tears I asked if they could call and let them know where I was. They called and kept reassuring me that I would find my phone. I have lost and had stolen several so Danny was going to be irritated. When I was checked in, I was told that I was to go to the Mammogram Dept. right where I had started out.

    When I got there, I was still in tears and asked if I could use their phone. I called Danny and he was indeed irritated. He said he would use the “Find My IPhone App to locate it. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. After I finished with the test, the receptionist handed me my phone. Someone had found it in the hallway and when Danny called it he told them where I was. The doctor’s appointment 3 hours later went well. At least that was something.

    I went to Wal-Mart and they were out of the hummingbird feeder I went for. as I was leaning, I stopped at my car to find my keys in my purse not realizing that I was standing in a prime empty parking space. Some guy driving by yelled out at me “Stand in the middle of the street why don’t you!” Apparently he wanted the space I was standing in.

    Today:

    We stopped on the way to El Paso at a convenience store and when I got out, I tripped and fell on my face or almost on my face. I actually fell on my knee and caught myself with my hand and wrist that is recovering from surgery. But most of all, I hurt my pride. Lol

    But that’s not all! While on the way to meet my friend in El Paso, we decided to see if Yo Yo had to pee. We hadn’t been able to find his leash so I found a tow strap in the car emergency kit. It had a heavy duty clips and Danny hooked it to Yodi’s collar. We were in New Mexico over a hill with nothing but dirt and scruffy plants. Yo went through a scruffy bush and the strap got caught. I told Danny that I hoped he didn’t go through the barbed wire fence. Danny assured me he wouldn’t, he did. The barbed wire was very tight so I couldn’t crawl under it and Yodi kept going. Danny had to step on the wire and jump over. Yodi kept going but Danny caught up with him.

    My friend and her daughter cried when we took Lyla. Yodi and Lyla hiss at one another periodically but no fighting. They are both tired and sleepy. It won’t take long before they warm back up to each other.

    Meanwhile we had to find a used tire before we hit the road again. Our Subaru is a 2015 but we are going to have to put snow tires on in the winter so why buy a new one. We found a tire and it is being put on but I am hungry!

    So that is a day in the life of PATRICIA.

    Seriously, I think you will wake up in the middle of the night and say, “”By George, I think I’ve got it.” Then you will write some awesome piece like always.😍

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That is my point in telling you all that complete with typos, your pet peeve. Shit happens but u don’t have to eat it. Most of this was my fault because I speed through life. I own it and have learned to laugh at it. It’s hard not to be affected by all the chaos going on around us. I am working on managing my anxiety. I keep reminding myself to take one project at a time and execute it completely before going on to the next one. I have to constantly refocus. When I am in high anxiety mode, I have to literally talk myself through every and I mean every move I make to slow me down. Like, “Start the car, put the car in gear, check your mirrors…” Lol Seriously! It works! Between ADD and anxiety, I have times when I cannot think period.

        I’m just saying that it could be worse, you could be me. 😆

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Poor baby he was in a carrier in the car for 10 hours. When he got home, it was like nothing ever happened. Lyla is sequestered in the closet behind the hot water heater. I know they always do that when in a new place but it’s disappointing. He will come around. Headed out to get him a tag and collar and replica Yo’s collar.😻

            Liked by 1 person

  5. You know how much I can relate, dear Bits. I am so sorry things have become overwhelming lately. Anxiety is like a damn balloon–there may be nothing inside it but hot air, and even still, it takes up so much space, polluting your otherwise blue sky with a distraction it’s hard to see past. I hope your balloon races up and away and takes any string, now seemingly tied to your wrist, with it!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Your balloon analogy is perfect!
      I think part of it is the sadness and anger and hurt in the world, and my desire to bottle up my own of the same to keep me, and my family emotionally afloat. I feel like writing about anything emotional is just going to cause a tidal wave of uneasy vibes.

      Liked by 2 people

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