Murderer

Like wind blowing across hot dry sand my memories are fleeting

But the stones so heavily in place keep the things I want to forget 

As if branded like cattle before slaughter

They are always here

When I thought like a child I had two abortions. 

When I felt like an adult I made decisions that scarred my womb, my heart, forever.
The thought of what I was about to do, the life I knew I was about to end, made me ill. I threw up all the medication they gave me, and because I didn’t show them my vomit and flushed it, they refused more meds and told me I’d be fine. I wasn’t. I felt the life they took on my behalf. I felt the tearing as my eyes welled, and tried to get away. They held me down. They did an ultrasound, and found more of my unborn, and held me down again while they leaned up the mess I had made, and vacuumed out what was left of my aching heart. 

I lay there, and imagined what my birth mother chose not to do to me. For the first time in my life I was truly thankful for the life I had, and thankful that she didn’t have to endure the same pain I was in. 

I was alone.

I took a pill that was meant for abortions at under seven weeks. I went in for an ultrasound. The nurse took my lies while looking at my womb, grey and alive. She took them and made them her own and signed papers giving me permission to abort at home. 

I took the pill, alone, on a spring morning. I sat on a toilet as my body spasmed when the medicine kicked in. I cried. I held my body close. I was alone with my choice. Alone with yet another life I CHOSE to take. My body bore a tiny life, in which I gathered up in a specimen jar, and placed in a bag, in a freezer, in a doctors hands, in a trash can for human waste, in a burning pit, deep deep in my soul. 

I knew the lives I took. I felt their end. I love them even now. 

Alone.

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10 thoughts on “Murderer

    1. It is a loss that should be mourned…no matter your personal views. I did not mourn and didn’t understand how important that was at the time to my being Able to deal with it in a healthy way. I went on as if nothing had happened. Thank you for you comment๐Ÿ’œ

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  1. Hey you, it makes me sad that you still carry this around. It makes me wonder why I haven’t. On the flip side of the coin, I have no regrets. I had an early abortion and if the child had been born, there would have been so much negativity surrounding its birth. In addition, I did not feel mature enough to raise a child and refused to have my parents raise it. What I felt at the time was anger at myself for being so naive as to get pregnant in the first place and the father was a complication to beat all complications. Perhaps I should feel guilty but all I feel is surety that I did the right thing for everyone. Though I believe in abortion, I have been very careful to remain on birth control even when not sexually active as a result. I offer you this because, my friend, I want you to know that you are not alone. I am not going to make a statement about the basis for my beliefs because this is not a political venue, just a conversation between friends. I love you Bits and admire you for being who you are.

    We are all who we are because of the choices we have made. Possibly due to the choice you made back then, you have made the choice to have four beautiful children who are wanted, loved and nurtured. You are a survivor! I wish you peace, my friend.๐Ÿ˜

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  2. It’s so hard to have a past that you’re not proud of and one that you have to overcome. We’ve all made massive mistakes in our lives- God forgives and the hard part is learning to forgive yourself. I think there is great bravery in writing this how you did and hopefully it will reach out there and help someone in need.

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    1. Thank you for sharing it with me.
      I didn’t draw it, though I wish I had. I found it somewhere…but dot remember if it was from a book, or the Internet. I don’t have any photographs of this time in my life and the sketch is an uncanny resemblance of who I was then.

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  3. Bits, the bravery it took to share what you did is…overwhelming, enormous, astronomical, beautiful. I can’t imagine the strength it took to endure what you did, what you still carry with you today. I wish I could reach through the screen and hold you. What you’ve given–the gift of a relieved burden–to someone who might need it? That’s unfathomably important.

    As always, you. are. my. hero.

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    1. It just had to be written. I’ve held it all these years so tightly, that it had become a source of shame…and immense guilt. Having such a large family and seeing these beautiful faces every day seemed to be a reminder lately of that shame.
      Thank you for your love friend, and your acceptance.๐Ÿ’œ

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  4. I know this post is really, well, not the most comfortable subject. It’s not meant to make a political statement. It is meant to lighten my heavy heart, a possibly, hopefully, let someone know they are not alone in their grief. Life is about evolving. This is a piece of who I was that I no longer need to carry. If you’re out there reading this and you’ve been through something similar, you don’t have to carry your past into your bright and beautiful future.๐Ÿ’œ

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