Today I sat in a hospital room, surrounded by the sterile environment I had learned to hate, to fear. In a not so distant past, a childhood not so far from me, I to was in need of cleansing. This though, is different. This, is my child. The heart of my heart. I wanted to cover him with me. I needed that. Tonight an ambulance drove away with my son. To a sterile place. No curtains no string. No guns, razors or glass. No privacy. Tonight he is without me, but also without the means to take his own life. 

For you my son….

Hello. I’m sure you’re not asleep. I know you’re laying there staring at your hands, wondering if you will ever have the chance to hurt the man, once a child, that raped you…again and again. I know that pain. That loss. My words will never be enough to heal you, no matter how many are here…this time, I just can’t do it alone. I heard you. I know you hate me right now and that’s okay because so do I. I have nightmares of you being chased, and I am unable to save you, to give you warmth and love, safety and peace. I can’t do anything. Much like you, I just don’t know what to do or who to be or even who I am anymore. If I was the kind of person who could take a life it would be his, for you. I was blessed to feel your heart beat next to mine, to smell you and hold you as close as one ever could. And for you I would kill, and right now, I wish I was that kind of human being. 

My sweet son, my love, I’m sorry you’re where you are. That I cannot make you better, make you forget, make you whole, is my failure to own. It was never and will never be yours. You are so brave, beyond and measure you are the courage I need now. For you I am still awake. I am here. I am here for you. 

Please don’t die. I know you want to. I know you’re in there, somewhere, under the pain, waiting to live again. I love you. I miss you. I love you so much my heart is truly, and completely, beating for you. I, will always be here, for you, heart of my heart.

Love, Me.

I am angry. I want to hurt him, make him bleed for what he has done. I want him to feel all the pain, to rip his innocence from him and I want him to be wrapped in my sons shame, rage, and fear. I want….I want this to be over. 
There is no amount of surrender I can give to this. I don’t want to. There is no forgiveness. My family is broken. Now, at least, I suppose, we know when the broken pieces fell for our son and where we can begin a new life…unknown but new. That has to be something right? That’s all I have…I don’t know what to say to my precious child. The child who’s photos are throughout our home. Looking at them, I can see when it started, I can see the pain. I feel the pain. I can hear the screams and it cuts me, bleeds me dry. This new and unknown is what I have. I’ll take it. I’ll take it because it means my son is still here, and I will not sit by and allow him to be a victim a moment longer. 

It Was Nothing

She draws him close
Breathes deep
A perfume that isn’t hers
The collar smudged with rouge
A color she doesn’t use
His cuffs rolled up, not for business but pleasure

Her heart fades into a moment far gone
She holds him tighter and closes her eyes
This time he will not leave

Stepping in from his long goodbye
Once again his hair combed back
Her scent on him has remained
Clothes off and tongue on skin
She tastes her
All over him

Her soul aches and body flexes
The death of her would be kinder than this
Now he will not leave

Pants pressed
Walking out he says goodbye
Over and over she will remember it
Her heart screams from the pain
God cries for her

Looming in the halls
He brought her clothes to smell
Sweet with perversion
The smell of sex not hers
Pain so raw she vomits
To end this life would be sweeter still
Surely he cannot leave


Their bodies intertwined
For necessity perhaps love
Her womb throbs to escape
The depth of her sadness only matched with his indifference.
He kisses her like she’s someone else

Finished with her
His body hastens toward the door
He dresses his best and drives away

She lays on the floor
And dreams of love
Praying this isn’t it
Hoping he comes back
Screaming inside for her mind to be changed
Or for her soul to die

For love she has stayed
It matters not
She prays

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